Cover Image for Beating The Promotion

Beating The Promotion


I was reminded of this exchange with recently, and realised that I had never posted it.

Basically, back when I thought I was vaguely dateable, circa 2017 (and I didn’t even own property back then), I came across a special offer from which was that if I didn’t have a girlfriend by Valentine’s Day, then I’d get a full refund.

Challenge accepted! How hard could it be to still be single 6 months after signing up?

Refund Request to

Dear Match

I succumbed during a weak moment of loneliness around a year ago into signing up for

I like to think that despite my frailties in the looks department (who knew growing a mullet would not increase my sex appeal?), I am quite intelligent, generally wonderful if a little stubborn and totally impervious to advertising.

But you got me.  Hook, line and sinker.

You challenged me that if I was still single on Valentine’s Day that I could have a full refund.  Well, I guess you didn’t mean it as a challenge, but I took it as one and now that I can see the finishing line, I thought that I should get in touch to ensure that I have met all the conditions for said promised refund.

Unfortunately in autumn, I realised that I had to contact 200 women to qualify.  Ahhh so laborious and yet so risky – but I like to think of myself as daring and adventurous – not just in the bedroom department.

And I nearly came a cropper – one woman actually went on a date with me.  The first date I have had for about 6 years since the time when I turned up off my head on horse tranquilizer to meet a girl – now married with children – now that is what I call an escape.

Thankfully, I didn’t get a second date.  I didn’t even get a blow job.  Things have changed since I was a teenager living in Hull.

I digress.  By my calculations, I have messaged 208 women.  Yes I have kept a count.  And I am sure that your database will be able to clarify that, unless the profiles have been deleted.

I look forward to your confirmation that the promised refund will be paid into my bank account, assuming I am still single on Valentine’s Day which I can guarantee just as much as I can guarantee that ****ing Brexit will happen.  Do you think talking about Brexit on that earlier date was a good idea?

Also, I would like to clarify that I will be discontinuing my subscription.  It’s not you, for all your website’s flaws, I have vaguely enjoyed the suspense of awaiting my lack of responses.  It’s me.  I’ve decided to stick with my one and only love, Maggie.

Here’s hoping that you do not count my lifesize cardboard cut-out of Margaret Thatcher as a girlfriend.

I await your loving tones of customer service.  Ahh yes, my customer number is ********.

Kind regards


Response from

Hello James,

Thanks for getting in touch with us about our Valentine’s Day offer.

Firstly, to wear a mullet is an honour. Anyone who fails to recognise this may have their membership revoked. This is stated clearly in our terms and conditions.

Okay, it isn’t, but it probably should be. Just in case.

After reviewing your account, I’m pleased to say that we’re happy to refund your subscription fees from the past 12 months, which amounts to £119.88.

The refund will be sent by bank transfer within 30 working days (we’ll aim for much sooner). In order to process this for you, please could you provide us with the following information:

-Your full name

-Account number & Sort code

-Bank’s name and street address

Just to remind you, your current subscription will run until 5th February, at which point it will renew for a further 6 months. If you do wish to cancel it, you can do so via the “My account settings” section of the website, or by calling us on 020 305 96 494.

Thank you using our services, and for the brilliant email. We look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

My Further Response

Thank you for your confidence in my expectation of still being single on Valentine’s Day.  Nevertheless, I am going to take all possible precautions, including staying in my house as much as possible, except perhaps venturing to the shops – though of course I’ll only use the self-scanning machines, as one cannot have a relationship with the checkout machines can one?  I do try talking to them occasionally but they rarely respond.

Which reminds me, I was in Bratislava last weekend and I tried talking to a parrot in a restaurant we were at.  It wouldn’t talk back, not even when I tried to speak my one word of Slovakian “ahoj!”.  Though it did wave at me later.  I wonder if checkout machines wave at me when I leave the shop?

Maybe the parrot was a woman on a dating website in a past life.

Anyway my details are:


Thank you for your confirmation that I have matched the requirements for refund – maybe I’ll be back when my parents start nattering again about not having any grandchildren.

All the best


Ahoj James,

Thanks for taking the time to write back to us.

According to our dating experts, relationships with checkout machines can be tricky. Top tips include:

  • Pay them attention
  • Embrace change
  • Mind the baggage

We have since refunded your payment of £59.94 from 5th August 2016. However, as the original February payment is over 1 year old, this may not go through immediately. If it is rejected by Paypal, we will arrange to send it via bank transfer.

I’ll be in touch to confirm as soon as I have feedback from our payment team.

Best regards,

The team